“He who dies with the most experiences, wins”

Happy birthday Oliver. You are missed. You are loved.

I asked a lot of questions of myself in the last post. Maggie suggested I think about going all in. The thought of going all in is frightening.

I am a coward.

Running targets are easy. Qualifying for Boston: a time goal. Qualifying for New York: a time goal. Everything is set in stone. Run a mile in under 5 minutes: a bit less concrete, but nonetheless, a time goal. Everything is dependent on you.

I am a coward.

Qualifying for Kona: finish in the top X in your age group. Qualifying for 70.3 championships: finish in the top X in your age group. Qualifying for World Championships: finish in the top X in your age group. Everything is dependent on who shows up.

I am a coward.

I suppose the first ironman was an attempt at something I didn’t know I could do. But deep down, I knew I would finish. Even then, I did the bare minimum of work to get to the finish.

I am a coward.

Fuck. It’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of dedication. The reward is uncertain. The reward, even if achieved… what next? I’ve been struggling with what next for 4 years. Happiness hasn’t been elusive. I’ve had moments of ecstasy, of pure joy. I’ve not put in the work to get the rewards in triathlon. I think part of it is because the rewards are so nebulous. Times mean so little. But they seem so much. I have resisted going all in because I might not be able to do it. I might fail spectacularly. I don’t want to be one of those type A people who eat, sleep and breath something. I’d like to be a humble, modest expert in what I do.

What’s the plan? Start small. Start by hitting all of the workouts in a single week. Do it again the next week. Communicate better, more often with everyone, especially my coach. Figure out a race plan. Still have the stretch races (things like Two Oceans), but figure out a schedule next year that gets me closer to New York and closer to being really fast. Figure out what the times I want are. Grow the fuck up. Do the things that others dream of. Do the things others will never get the chance to do.

I was a coward.

Deal me in.

I can’t think of a better day to dedicate myself.

Title stolen from this video